Finding the Good In the Bad…

2017, let’s be honest was a hard year for everybody for some reason. My family though was hit really hard, but that really started in June of 2016. Let’s go through some things…

June 2016: I had knee surgery.

August 2016: My sister had shoulder surgery.

October 2016: I had shoulder surgery.

December 2016: I was finding about having my other shoulder done and then… we found out my dad had cancer.

We went into 2017 with two thoughts, I had to have another surgery and my dad had cancer. The man who never stopped had cancer. He never had symptoms of any kind and so it was a big shock to our family and that’s how we started off our year. We couldn’t have been more thankful though for it being kidney cancer and being super curable and them also finding it so quickly and planning their way of attack. A partial removal of one kidney and then the full removal of the one that was covered in the cancer. Two surgeries later my dad didn’t have cancer anymore. The prayers we had received worked, God kept his hand on him. It was the good in the bad.

But then there was more than just that going on. I had shoulder surgery right in between his two, it was way more intense than we had expected and a lot more painful. I had to sit in a hospital chair being harassed the entire day by people, thinking they were “picking” on me. I didn’t wanna hear how I should be in a wheelchair, or hear somebody else being told my private business of why I’m in a sling, I just wanted to know that my dad was okay. The entire day I wanted to do nothing but sob because of the anxiety of my dad having his kidney removed, being harassed, and then just the sheer pain I was dealing with. One of the worst parts of all this going on… not a single person asked me how I was feeling.

Nobody asked how my shoulder was, if I was comfortable, or even how I felt with my dad having surgery. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I watched my siblings get texts while I didn’t get anything. Yet, there was some good in that crap, and how horrible it made me feel. I knew who I had to cut out of my life, who was being toxic. It felt like I was watching everything from an out perspective because I was being so pushed aside unless I was being made fun of. I hated it more than I ever had.

I went into 2017, hoping that after my shoulder I would finally be done with my year of focusing on my health, but I wasn’t sadly. I wasn’t able to go to school, but that meant I was able to focus on helping my mom after her double knee surgery. I didn’t get my youtube going like I would have hoped, but I really got to figure out if that’s what I wanna do. I had friends abandon me, but it showed me they must have not cared too much to drop me so quickly. And I got to focus on my mental health. I went into this year so mentally messed up, my anxiety worse than typical and being moody all the time, my weight was even out of control, and I just felt like crap. But I’ve been able to work on all that, get my meds fixed again and was able to key point the issues.
Everybody keeps telling my family we’ve had a horrible year, and we must be glad for it to be over. Yet, in my eyes, I think this year was a real healing year for our family. My dad had cancer, but within three months we had it situated and he may be a kidney down now, but that’s better than having cancer. My mom had double knee surgery, yet it was a great choice. She was just a bit away from blowing her knees completely out and possibly having knee replacement, and having your knee scoped out and a few tears fixed is nothing compared to that. So there was another blessing. And then I had another shoulder surgery and now I have anchors in it, but guess what? My shoulder hasn’t dislocated since March! I dealt with my shoulder dislocating constantly since I was thirteen and I finally passed the six year mark with screwing it up and I didn’t have a dislocation for once.

I have such a hard time finding the good in things. I’m a perfectionist and if things aren’t perfect and planned, it’s horrible. I hate that I’m like that but I’m working on it, and I wish other people would. I see people tearing others down because they said this year was a great year for them, and guess what, your year may have been terrible, but mine wasn’t. Somebody else may have just had an okay year, and that’s fine. We’re all different, somebody’s best year is somebody else’s worst. And all I can say is I’m thankful for this year no matter what anybody says. This year was so full of healing and God’s hands over my family’s bodies that I can’t help to find the good in all the bad. And I hope 2018 will be even better. I pray that in 2018 I can finally figure out what I want to do with my life. I pray it’s an even better year for healing. I pray that even as I end another year getting an MRI, God will keep his hand on me even if I have another surgery because I know with every surgery he’s healing me a little more. I pray for my family and that we have a good year in every aspect of our lives. And I pray that everybody will be able to find some good in the bad of both this year and the ones to come.

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