Ahh friendships, the thing I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with. Growing up, I honestly didn’t have too many of my own friends. I truly just hung out with my siblings and whoever they had over since we were all close in age. Never have I truly had a friend who was my age, they’ve always been a year older or a year younger, and you never realize till later on how much of an age gap just a year can be.
So my “closest” friend growing up, happened to be somebody a year younger than me. We truly didn’t hangout outside of church, because like I said I just hung out with my siblings and their friends at first. And looking back at it now, I am thankful we didn’t hangout outside of church a lot till I was about eight, without my family there because I was severely bullied when they weren’t around by this girl. When I think about it, I wonder if I wouldn’t have been with my family around her so much, would it have started sooner. But all thanks to this horrible friendship, it’s messed me up forever. I have trust issues with friends. I can’t take them critiquing me, unless it’s a certain person. And I hate hanging out with people. Ever since I was twelve and that friendship officially ended in flames, I can’t say I’ve had the greatest friendships. I’m always looking over my shoulder.
“Are they talking about me?”
“Am I who they’re making fun of?”
“Do I meet their expectations?”
There have been very few people to break through the huge wall I have built up. Most people probably think they’re through it, but they’re not. And some were just lucky enough to be on the inside before the wall was built. To this day I don’t really have many “friends” from before the nightmare that was middle school. And even with the ones I have, only one knows all about me. Two of them know a good bit… if I were to even consider them friends but there’s a lot I don’t tell people. And it all goes back to the trust issues I’ve had for ten years.
Ten years of trust issues makes for a really hard day to day life. I can’t stand anybody making a single comment about me. I live my life thinking everybody hates me, and I have no clue if it’s only in my head or not. My family tries and tells me it’s all in my head, but it’s like… then why am I not getting texts? Or even just snapchats? Why is my life filled with so many broken promises from “friends?”
“I’ll text you.”
“We’re gonna hang out soon.”
“I miss you so much!!!”
If that’s the case then why is my phone not blowing up constantly. Why have I not hung out with a single person outside of a church or a party, since 2014. And that was with somebody who lives out of state. Which brings me to my next thing; how can my friends I gained from a fandom, a stupid freaking fandom care more and be better than the ones I’ve known for years. My closest friend lives states away and yet she seems to always be right by my side, when we’ve never even met face to face. Yet, the people I live near feel worlds away.
I don’t get why this is something I’ve always struggled with in my life, and why I let it get to me so much. It leaves me doing nothing but staying at home, sitting on my butt. It tears me up so much I can’t even bring myself to do things while I’m at home. And yes, there may be other factors that play into that, but living like this for almost four years will really tear you apart.
Though I have always struggled with friendships, for some reason when I got my massive concussion everything with them when downhill fast. For some reason the moment I got hurt, everybody seemed to forget about me. But I don’t see that happening with anybody else. Thanks to this I had to deal with a concussion by myself for a year, even though my brother still had basketball games, I felt alone because it didn’t matter that I was physically there, it seemed like nobody cared because I wasn’t all mentally there at the time. And then fast forward a year I had to deal with my sports career ending shoulder injury completely alone.
Now of course, I’ve talked about dealing with multiple injuries before, but for some reason when my shoulder happened it was like nobody believed me. Everything with it and from there on out was pushed to the side under the pretense “Oh, Emily got hurt again,” making me feel even more alone than I already did. It’s the way it still is.
It’s now February of 2017, I’ve had two surgeries in the last nine months and about to have a third and nothing. Only one single person has really kept up with me to make sure I’m okay. Nobody else cares. I understand people are busy, but don’t tell me you’re going to check up on me and come over and then don’t. A simple text isn’t hard to send.
My dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer… one person asked me how I was. Checked in with me. Cared about my feelings on the situation. ONE PERSON. While at the hospital for his first surgery, my sister got a million phone calls from her friends, I got none. I got a text from that one person and somebody from the fandom I was in, that was it.
I don’t understand what people’s problem with me is, I never have. Is it because I can’t play sports anymore? Is it because I’m quiet and introverted? Or is just that people don’t like me because I’m not going to walk around trashing others like everybody else? Will I ever really understand the reasoning? God says to love everybody no matter what, but it’s so hard when you get swept under the rug and treated like total crap. And how am I supposed to truly express that when even the people at church aren’t showing me the love we’re supposed to as Christians. Treat people the way you wish to be treated… So I guess they want to be treated like they’re not wanted and aren’t cared for?
Sometimes things gets to the point where you’re so exhausted you can’t deal with it anymore, that’s where I’m at. That’s where I’ve been at for years. I’m so tired of being the one putting in the effort for nothing in return, so I’ve stopped. I pray for friendships and nothing happens.
“Maybe it’ll be different when you’re at college.”
“Maybe you should change youth groups.”
“Well, if you talked and didn’t close yourself off, then people would talk to you.”
At this point it’s hard to believe anything will change, especially when this has been going on for so long. And though I see other people complaining about lacking friends, they’re still hanging out with people. Their phones are still blowing up. While I just sit there waiting to be talked to and nothing ever happens. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember and I don’t know what to do anymore. Every time I think I’m over it, and I don’t care anymore about not having friends, I see a picture and I’m pissed off and annoyed all over again. It’s a horrible never ending cycle and I just wish I knew when it would finally stop.